This is self-sabotage, and it's not happening because you're lazy, broken, or lack willpower. It's happening because there's a part of you—hidden in your shadow—that believes sabotaging your success will keep you safe.

Shadow work is the practice of bringing these hidden parts into conscious awareness so they can finally heal. And when you heal the shadow, the self-sabotage naturally dissolves.

What Is Shadow Work?

The shadow is a concept introduced by psychologist Carl Jung. It represents the parts of yourself you've rejected, denied, or hidden away—usually because they were deemed "unacceptable" by your family, culture, or past experiences.

Your shadow holds:

• Repressed emotions (shame, anger, fear, grief)

• Disowned needs (for rest, attention, autonomy, pleasure)

• Survival strategies from childhood that no longer serve you

• Core beliefs about your worthiness, safety, and belonging

Shadow work is the intentional practice of exploring these hidden aspects with curiosity and compassion. It's about making the unconscious conscious so you can choose your behavior rather than being controlled by it.

Why Self-Sabotage Lives in the Shadow

Self-sabotage isn't random. It's a protective mechanism created by your younger self to keep you safe from perceived threats like rejection, failure, visibility, or success itself.

Here's how it works: When you were young, you learned that certain behaviors or outcomes were dangerous. Maybe being "too successful" meant you'd be resented or alone. Maybe failing kept you humble and protected you from criticism. Maybe staying small meant you'd be loved.

These beliefs got buried in your shadow, but they didn't disappear. Now, as an adult trying to grow, your shadow activates and creates self-sabotage to protect you from the very things your younger self feared.

Common shadow beliefs that fuel self-sabotage:

• "If I succeed, people will expect too much from me"

• "I don't deserve good things"

• "If I'm visible, I'll be judged or attacked"

• "Staying stuck is safer than risking failure"

• "I'm not capable of handling success"

• "If I change, I'll lose the people I love"

The shadow isn't trying to hurt you. It's trying to protect you. But it's using outdated information from your past.

How Shadow Work Heals Self-Sabotage

When you do shadow work, you:

1. Identify the hidden belief or fear driving the self-sabotage

2. Understand where it came from and why your younger self created it

3. Compassionately acknowledge that it once served you

4. Update the belief with present-day truth and safety

5. Integrate the shadow so it no longer needs to control you from the darkness

This process doesn't eliminate the wounded part—it heals it. And once healed, it stops needing to sabotage you.

Step-by-Step Shadow Work Practice for Self-Sabotage

Step 1: Identify Your Self-Sabotage Pattern

Before you can heal self-sabotage, you need to see it clearly. This means getting specific about how it shows up in your life—not just noticing that "things never work out."

Self-sabotage isn't one behavior. It's a pattern that repeats itself, often in similar situations or around similar goals. Your job in this step is to name the pattern so you can work with it.

How to identify your pattern:

Grab a journal and reflect on these questions. Don't rush—give yourself time to notice what's true.

Reflection questions:

1. What goal or desire keeps getting derailed in my life? Think about what you say you want but never seem to achieve. Maybe it's losing weight, starting a business, finding a partner, saving money, or creating art. What keeps slipping away?

2. What do I do (or not do) that undermines my progress? Get specific about your behavior. Do you quit? Procrastinate? Pick fights? Overspend? Miss deadlines? Stop showing up? The key is to identify the action (or inaction) that derails you.

3. When does this pattern typically show up? Notice the timing. Does it happen when you're close to success? When things are going well? When you feel visible or vulnerable? When you're about to commit? Timing reveals what triggers the sabotage.

4. How long has this been happening? Is this a recent pattern or something you've been doing for years? If it's been happening since childhood or adolescence, that's a clue that it's rooted in your shadow.

Example patterns (so you can recognize yours):

• You start a new health routine with excitement, stick with it for two weeks, then "forget" to go to the gym or suddenly crave all the foods you said you'd avoid

• You meet someone you really like and things are going well, but as soon as they want to get closer, you pull away, find flaws in them, or create distance

• You have a big project that could advance your career, but you procrastinate until the last minute or don't finish it at all

• You finally start saving money and making progress toward a financial goal, then suddenly have an "emergency" expense or convince yourself you deserve to splurge

• Your relationship is peaceful and loving, but you pick a fight or create drama right when things feel stable

What to look for:

Your self-sabotage pattern has a few key characteristics:

• It repeats: It's not a one-time mistake—it's something you do over and over

• It contradicts your stated goals: You say you want one thing, but you do another

• It feels automatic: It's like you're on autopilot when it happens

• It creates familiar outcomes: Even though you don't like the result, it feels strangely familiar

Your turn:

Write down your specific pattern in one or two sentences. Be as honest and detailed as you can. Avoid vague language like "I sabotage myself" or "I mess things up." Instead, describe exactly what you do.

Example:

• "Every time I start making progress on my weight loss goal, I stop tracking my food and start eating emotionally around the three-week mark. This has been happening for at least five years."

Important: This step is about observation, not judgment. You're not broken for having this pattern—you're human. The pattern exists for a reason, and you're about to discover what that reason is.

The clearer you are about your pattern in Step 1, the easier it will be to uncover the shadow belief driving it in the steps that follow.

Step 2: Notice What You Feel Right Before You Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage doesn't come out of nowhere. There's always an emotional trigger that happens right before you derail yourself—even if you don't consciously notice it in the moment.

This step is about rewinding the tape and identifying what you were feeling in the moments, hours, or days before you sabotaged. That feeling is the breadcrumb trail leading directly to your shadow.

Why this step matters:

Self-sabotage usually kicks in when you're on the edge of something that feels threatening to your younger self—even if your adult self knows it's actually good for you. The threat might be:

• Getting close to success (and the visibility or responsibility that comes with it)

• Deepening intimacy (and the vulnerability that requires)

• Making real progress (and facing the fear that you might fail—or worse, succeed)

• Being seen or recognized (and risking judgment or rejection)

• Stepping into a new version of yourself (and leaving behind the familiar, even if it's painful)

Right before you sabotage, your nervous system sounds an alarm. You feel something—fear, anxiety, discomfort, overwhelm—and your shadow steps in to "protect" you by pulling you back to safety (aka, the familiar pattern).

How to identify the feeling:

Think back to the last time you engaged in your self-sabotage pattern. Don't focus on the sabotaging behavior itself yet—focus on what was happening right before it.

Reflection questions:

1. What was I feeling right before I sabotaged myself? Close your eyes and mentally rewind to the moment before you quit, pulled away, procrastinated, or made the choice that derailed you. What emotion was present? It might be subtle—maybe just a tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or a thought that made you uncomfortable. Don't overthink this. The first feeling that comes to mind is usually the right one.

2. What was I afraid might happen if I kept going? This is where you get curious about the fear underneath the feeling. If you had kept going—kept showing up, stayed committed, let yourself succeed—what's the worst thing you imagined would happen? Your brain might offer something like:

• "People will expect too much from me"

• "I'll be exposed as a fraud"

• "I'll lose the people I love"

• "I'll fail publicly and be humiliated"

• "I won't be able to handle it"

3. These fears often feel ridiculous when you say them out loud, but they're very real to your shadow.

4. What did I want to avoid? Sometimes it's easier to identify what you were trying to escape rather than what you were afraid of. Were you trying to avoid:

• Feeling pressured or overwhelmed?

• Being vulnerable or exposed?

• Disappointing someone (or yourself)?

• Facing your own expectations?

• Losing control of the situation?

Common feelings that trigger self-sabotage:

As you reflect, you might recognize one (or more) of these emotional states:

• Anxiety about being seen or judged: "If I succeed, people will notice me, and they'll see that I'm not good enough"

• Fear of disappointing others or yourself: "What if I can't live up to the expectations? What if I let everyone down?"

• Overwhelm at the responsibility of success: "If this works, everything will change. I'll have to show up differently. That feels like too much."

• Unworthiness or impostor syndrome: "I don't actually deserve this. Someone's going to realize I'm a fraud."

• Fear of losing control or safety: "If I keep going, something bad might happen. Staying stuck feels safer."

Example:

Let's say your pattern is: "I start a business project with excitement, but when it's time to launch, I find reasons to delay or convince myself it's not ready."

Now think about what you felt right before you delayed:

• The feeling: Anxiety and dread when imagining people seeing your work

• The fear: "What if people think it's stupid? What if no one cares? What if I embarrass myself?"

• What you wanted to avoid: Public failure and judgment

That feeling—anxiety about being seen and judged—is the emotional trigger. And it's pointing directly to a shadow belief, something like: "Being visible is dangerous. If people see the real me, they'll reject me."

Your turn:

Write down what you felt right before you last sabotaged yourself. Be as specific as possible. It might feel uncomfortable to admit these feelings—that's normal. Your shadow has been hiding them for a reason.

Example:

• "Right before I stopped going to the gym, I felt anxious about people at the gym noticing my body. I was afraid they'd judge me for being out of shape. I wanted to avoid feeling exposed and embarrassed."

Why this step is the key to shadow work:

This feeling is the doorway to your shadow. It's not random—it's your younger self trying to protect you from something it learned was dangerous a long time ago.

In the next step, you'll talk directly to this part of yourself and ask it what it's really trying to protect you from. But first, you have to acknowledge that the feeling is there and that it's real.

The feeling isn't the problem. It's the messenger. And now, you're finally ready to listen to what it's been trying to tell you.

Step 3: Ask Your Shadow What It's Trying to Protect You From

This is where the real shadow work begins—and where everything starts to make sense.

Up until now, you've been observing your pattern from the outside. You know what you do (Step 1) and what you feel before you do it (Step 2). But now you're going to go deeper and ask why this part of you believes sabotage is necessary.

Here's the shift: Instead of judging yourself for self-sabotaging, you're going to approach the part of you that's doing it with genuine curiosity and compassion. You're going to treat it like a frightened child who's been trying to keep you safe—because that's exactly what it is.

Why this step works:

Your shadow isn't sabotaging you because it hates you. It's sabotaging you because it's terrified of something. It learned, usually when you were young, that a certain outcome (success, love, visibility, change) is dangerous. And now, whenever you get close to that outcome, your shadow panics and pulls you back.

But here's the thing: your shadow has been operating in the dark, making decisions based on old information. It's never been asked directly what it's afraid of or why it's doing this. When you finally turn toward it with curiosity instead of shame, it can finally tell you the truth.

And once you hear the truth, you can start to heal it.

The practice: How to talk to your shadow

This might feel strange at first, especially if you've never done inner dialogue work before. That's okay. Think of it as having a conversation with a younger, frightened version of yourself who's been making decisions on your behalf without your permission.

Step-by-step instructions:

1. Find a quiet space where you won't be interrupted Sit comfortably. Close your eyes if that feels right, or soften your gaze. Take a few deep breaths to settle into your body.

2. Imagine the part of you that sabotages You don't need to "see" anything clearly. Just bring your awareness to the part of you that engages in the self-sabotage pattern. You might imagine it as:

• A younger version of yourself (maybe you at 8, 12, or 16 years old)

• A protective inner voice or presence

• A feeling or sensation in your body (tightness in your chest, heaviness in your stomach, tension in your shoulders)

• An image or symbol (a wall, a door, a shadow, a guard)

3. There's no "right" way to visualize this. Trust whatever comes up for you.

4. Ask the questions—and then listen Now, with genuine curiosity and without judgment, ask your shadow:

• "What are you afraid will happen if I succeed?"

• "What are you trying to protect me from?"

• "When did you first learn that this was dangerous?"

5. Ask one question at a time. Then pause and listen. Don't force an answer. Let whatever comes up arise naturally. It might be:

• Words or sentences in your mind

• A memory or image from your past

• A body sensation (your throat tightens, your chest feels heavy)

• An emotion (sudden sadness, anger, fear)

6. Whatever shows up is the answer. Trust it.

7. Stay curious, not critical If your shadow says something that sounds irrational or silly to your adult mind, don't dismiss it. Remember: this is a younger, more vulnerable part of you speaking from an old wound. It doesn't need logic—it needs to be heard. Instead of thinking, "That's ridiculous, success isn't dangerous," try: "Wow, you really believed that. Tell me more."

Example dialogue (so you can see how this works):

Let's say your self-sabotage pattern is: "I push people away when relationships start to get serious."

You sit quietly and imagine the part of you that does this. Maybe you see yourself as a teenager, guarded and defensive.

You ask: "What are you trying to protect me from?"

Your shadow responds: "I'm protecting you from getting hurt. If you let someone get too close, they'll see who you really are, and they'll leave. It's better to leave first."

You ask: "When did you first learn that getting close was dangerous?"

Your shadow responds: "When I was 14. I told my best friend something really personal, and the next week she told everyone at school. I was humiliated. I learned that being vulnerable means being betrayed."

What this reveals: The shadow belief is: "Intimacy = inevitable betrayal and humiliation."

Your shadow isn't sabotaging your relationships because it wants you to be alone. It's sabotaging them because it genuinely believes that closeness will lead to pain, just like it did when you were 14.

Another example:

Your pattern: "I procrastinate on important projects and miss deadlines."

You ask: "What are you afraid will happen if I succeed?"

Your shadow responds: "If you finish this and it's good, people will expect you to keep doing things at that level. You'll have to be 'on' all the time. You won't be able to relax or mess up anymore."

You ask: "When did you first learn this?"

Your shadow responds: "When I was 10 and got straight A's. Mom was so proud—she kept telling everyone how smart I was and how I was going to do 'amazing things.' But it felt like so much pressure. I was scared that if I got one B, I'd disappoint everyone."

What this reveals: The shadow belief is: "Success = permanent pressure and no room for mistakes."

What if nothing comes up?

If you ask the questions and don't get a clear answer right away, that's okay. Shadow work takes practice. Here's what to do:

• Try a different question: Instead of "What are you protecting me from?" try "What's the worst thing that could happen if I kept going?"

• Notice your body: Sometimes the shadow speaks through sensation before words. Where do you feel tension? What does that tension feel like it's holding?

• Journal it out: Write the question at the top of a page and then freewrite whatever comes to mind, even if it seems random

• Be patient: Your shadow has been hidden for years. It might take a few sessions before it feels safe enough to speak

Why this step changes everything:

When you finally hear what your shadow is afraid of, something shifts. You stop seeing self-sabotage as a character flaw and start seeing it as a protection mechanism that once made sense.

Your shadow isn't the enemy. It's the part of you that's been standing guard, trying to keep you safe from a danger it learned about a long time ago.

And now that you know what it's protecting you from, you can finally start to update the belief and give your shadow what it actually needs—which is what you'll do in the next steps.

Your turn:

Set aside 10-15 minutes to do this practice. Ask your shadow the questions. Write down what comes up, even if it doesn't make complete sense yet.

The answers you get here will guide the rest of your healing process.

Step 4: Acknowledge the Wisdom of Your Shadow

Now that you've heard what your shadow is protecting you from, you might feel a rush of emotions—sadness, anger, relief, or even gratitude. Whatever you're feeling, this next step is critical: you need to thank your shadow for what it's been trying to do.

This might sound counterintuitive. After all, this is the part of you that's been sabotaging your goals, derailing your progress, and keeping you stuck. Why would you thank it?

Here's why: Your shadow isn't sabotaging you out of malice or cruelty. It's sabotaging you because it genuinely believed—at some point in your past—that this was the only way to keep you safe. And for a while, it might have been right.

Why this step is crucial:

Think of your shadow like a loyal guard dog who's been protecting your house for years. It barks at every stranger, growls at every noise, and won't let anyone get close—even people you want to let in.

You could yell at the dog, punish it, or try to force it to stop. But that would only make it more defensive, more reactive, and more determined to protect you.

Or, you could kneel down, look it in the eyes, and say: "Thank you for protecting me all these years. I know you were doing your job. I know you thought this was necessary."

When you acknowledge the shadow's intention—when you genuinely see why it's been doing what it's been doing—it starts to relax. It doesn't have to fight so hard to be heard. It doesn't have to operate in the dark anymore.

This is how you build trust with your shadow. And without trust, it will keep sabotaging you because it still believes you're in danger.

The practice: How to thank your shadow

This doesn't have to be complicated or formal. You're simply acknowledging, out loud or in your mind, that your shadow was trying to help—even if the way it helped is no longer serving you.

Step-by-step instructions:

1. Reconnect with the part of you that sabotages Close your eyes again. Bring your awareness back to the younger self, the protective voice, or the body sensation you connected with in Step 3.

2. Acknowledge what it was trying to do Speak to your shadow with genuine compassion. You can say these words out loud, write them in a journal, or simply think them. What matters is that you mean them. Try saying:

• "Thank you for trying to protect me."

• "I understand why you thought this was necessary."

• "You were doing the best you could with what you knew."

• "I see now that you were trying to keep me safe."

3. If you discovered a specific memory in Step 3, you can be even more specific:

• "Thank you for protecting me after I was betrayed at 14. I know you didn't want me to feel that pain again."

• "Thank you for trying to save me from the pressure I felt when I was 10. You were trying to give me room to breathe."

4. Feel the truth of it Don't just say the words—let yourself actually feel the truth of them. Your shadow wasn't being mean or lazy or self-destructive. It was doing what it thought was best with the limited information it had at the time. You might feel:

• Sadness for how long this part of you has been trying to protect you

• Compassion for your younger self who didn't have better options

• Relief that you finally understand what's been happening

• Gratitude that some part of you was always looking out for you, even imperfectly

5. Let yourself sit with whatever emotion comes up.

6. Notice what shifts After you've thanked your shadow, pause and notice what happens. Does the tension in your body soften? Does the part of you that sabotages feel less defensive? Do you feel a sense of relief or release? Sometimes this step brings tears. Sometimes it brings a deep exhale. Sometimes it's subtle—just a quiet sense that something has changed. Trust whatever you notice.

Why gratitude works when judgment doesn't:

For years, you've probably been frustrated with yourself for self-sabotaging. You've called yourself lazy, weak, broken, or self-destructive. You've tried to force yourself to "just stop" or "get over it."

But here's the problem: every time you judge or criticize your shadow, it goes deeper into hiding. It becomes more defensive, not less. It thinks, "See? I was right. It's not safe to let my guard down. I need to protect even harder."

But when you thank your shadow—when you acknowledge that it was trying to help—it finally feels seen. It feels understood. And when it feels understood, it doesn't have to fight for your attention anymore.

This is the difference between trying to eliminate your shadow (which doesn't work) and trying to integrate it (which does).

Example: What this looks like in practice

Let's go back to the example from Step 3, where your shadow said:

"I'm protecting you from getting hurt. If you let someone get too close, they'll see who you really are, and they'll leave. It's better to leave first."

In Step 4, you would say something like:

"Thank you for protecting me from getting hurt. I know you learned that vulnerability is dangerous when I was betrayed at 14. You've been trying to save me from that pain ever since. I understand why you thought pushing people away was the only option. You were doing the best you could with what you knew back then."

And then you pause. You let that land. You feel the truth of it.

Another example:

If your shadow said:

"If you finish this and it's good, people will expect you to keep doing things at that level. You'll have to be 'on' all the time."

You would say:

"Thank you for trying to protect me from pressure and burnout. I know you learned that success means no room for mistakes when I was 10 and everyone expected me to be perfect. You've been trying to give me space to breathe by keeping me from succeeding. I understand. You were trying to help."

What if you don't feel grateful yet?

That's okay. You don't have to feel grateful right away. The practice is about acknowledging that your shadow had good intentions, even if you're still frustrated with the outcome.

If gratitude feels too far away, start with understanding:

• "I see that you were trying to help."

• "I understand why you did this."

• "You thought this was the only way."

Gratitude will come as you continue the work. For now, acknowledgment is enough.

Why this step can't be skipped:

If you skip this step and jump straight to trying to "fix" or "change" your shadow, you'll hit resistance. Your shadow will dig in its heels because it doesn't trust you yet. It thinks you're just another person trying to force it to stop protecting you.

But when you take the time to thank it first—to genuinely appreciate what it's been trying to do—your shadow relaxes. It starts to listen. And that's when real change becomes possible.

Your turn:

Take a moment right now to thank your shadow. Say the words out loud, write them in your journal, or simply think them with intention.

Notice how it feels to stop fighting this part of yourself and start honoring it instead.

This is the turning point. This is where you stop being at war with yourself and start becoming whole.

Step 5: Update the Belief with Present-Day Truth

You've listened to your shadow. You've thanked it for trying to protect you. Now comes the part where you gently—very gently—offer it new information.

Your shadow has been operating on old data. It made a decision about what's safe and what's dangerous based on what you experienced as a child or teenager. And that decision made sense then. But you're not that child anymore. You have resources, skills, awareness, and support that you didn't have back then.

This step is about updating your shadow's outdated belief system with present-day truth.

Why this step is necessary:

Your shadow is stuck in the past. It's still making decisions as if you're 10, 14, or 17 years old—as if you're still powerless, still dependent on others' approval, still without the ability to protect yourself.

But you're not that person anymore.

You're an adult now. You have:

• The ability to set boundaries

• The power to walk away from situations that aren't safe

• More self-awareness and emotional tools

• People in your life who support you (or the ability to find them)

• Experience that's taught you how to navigate difficulty

Your shadow doesn't know this yet because it's been operating in the dark. It hasn't been updated with new information. So it keeps pulling you back to "safety" based on what it learned a long time ago.

This step is about bridging the gap between then and now. It's about helping your shadow see that the rules have changed.

The practice: How to update the belief

This isn't about arguing with your shadow or trying to convince it that it's wrong. Remember—it's not wrong. It was right based on what it knew. But now you're offering it additional information so it can make a more informed decision.

Think of it like talking to a child who's afraid of the dark because they once heard a scary noise. You wouldn't say, "That's stupid, there's nothing there." You'd say, "I know that was scary. But we checked, and we're safe now. I'm here with you."

That's the energy you bring to this step: gentle, reassuring, truthful.

Step-by-step instructions:

1. Reconnect with your shadow one more time Close your eyes. Bring your awareness back to the part of you that's been protecting you. Feel where it lives in your body or imagine it as the younger version of you.

2. Acknowledge the old belief one more time Before you offer new information, restate what your shadow believed. This shows that you're not dismissing its experience—you're building on it. Say something like:

• "I know you learned that [belief] when [event happened]."

• "I understand that back then, [belief] felt true."

• "You made sense of the world in the only way you could at that age."

3. Example:

• "I know you learned that success means unbearable pressure when I was 10 and everyone expected me to be perfect."

4. Introduce the new truth gently Now, with compassion, you offer an update. You're not erasing the old experience—you're adding new context. Use language like:

• "That was true then, but things are different now."

• "I understand why you thought that, and I want you to know that I have more options now."

• "You did what you had to do back then, but I can handle things differently now."

5. Be specific about what's different now This is where you get concrete. What has changed between then and now? What do you have now that you didn't have then? Examples:

• "I have more resources and support than I did as a child."

• "I can set boundaries and say no when something feels like too much."

• "I can succeed without being perfect."

• "I can handle disappointment now—I've survived it before."

• "I can choose who I let close to me. I don't have to trust everyone."

• "I know how to ask for help when I need it."

• "I can leave situations that aren't good for me."

• "I'm not dependent on others' approval to survive anymore."

6. The key is to remind your shadow that you are not powerless anymore. You have agency, tools, and options.

7. State the updated belief clearly Finally, offer a new belief that honors both the old fear and the present-day reality. This is the bridge between the two. Format: "I can [achieve the goal] AND [address the fear]." Examples:

• Old belief: "Success means unbearable pressure."
  New truth: "I can succeed at my own pace and set boundaries around expectations. I'm allowed to be human and make mistakes."

• Old belief: "Intimacy means inevitable betrayal."
  New truth: "I can let people close while also trusting my judgment about who is safe. I can build intimacy slowly and protect myself if needed."

• Old belief: "Being visible means I'll be judged and rejected."
  New truth: "I can be visible and know that not everyone will like me—and that's okay. I don't need everyone's approval to be worthy."

• Old belief: "If I fail, I'll be humiliated and abandoned."
  New truth: "I can try things and fail without it meaning I'm worthless. People who love me will still love me even when I mess up."

Example dialogue (so you can see the full flow):

Let's say your shadow belief is: "If I let someone get close, they'll see who I really am and leave."

Here's how Step 5 might sound:

You say:
"I know you learned that vulnerability is dangerous when I was 14 and my best friend betrayed me. I understand why you thought that keeping people at a distance was the only way to stay safe. That made sense back then."

(Pause. Let that acknowledgment land.)

"But I want you to know—things are different now. I'm not 14 anymore. I have the ability to choose who I trust. I can take my time getting to know people. I can notice red flags that I didn't see back then. And if someone does betray me, I know how to take care of myself. I've survived heartbreak before and I can survive it again."

(Pause again. Let the new information settle.)

"So here's what I want you to know: I can let people close AND protect myself if needed. I can be vulnerable with people who've earned my trust. I don't have to choose between connection and safety—I can have both."

What if your shadow resists?

Sometimes your shadow won't immediately accept the new belief. That's normal. It's been operating on the old belief for years—it's not going to let it go in one conversation.

If you feel resistance, don't force it. Instead:

• Acknowledge the resistance: "I know this is hard to believe right now. That's okay."

• Offer proof from your own life: "Remember when [X happened] and I handled it? I was okay. That's evidence that I can do hard things now."

• Go slower: "You don't have to believe this all at once. I'm just asking you to consider it."

This is a conversation, not a lecture. Your shadow needs to feel safe enough to consider the new belief, and that might take time.

Why this step works:

When you update the belief, you're essentially reprogramming your subconscious. You're giving your shadow new information so it can recalculate the risk.

Before: "Success = danger. Must sabotage to stay safe."

After: "Success might feel uncomfortable, but I have the tools to handle it. It's safe to try."

The sabotage doesn't disappear overnight, but it starts to loosen its grip. Your shadow begins to trust that you can handle what's coming, and it doesn't have to protect you so aggressively anymore.

Your turn:

Write out your old belief and your new truth. Use the format:

• Old belief: [What your shadow believed]

• New truth: [What's actually true now, as an adult]

Then, speak to your shadow using the language from this step. Tell it what's different now. Remind it that you're not the same person you were when the belief was formed.

Be patient. Be gentle. And trust that this new information is planting seeds that will grow over time.

Step 6: Give Your Shadow What It Actually Needs

Here's the truth that changes everything: self-sabotage isn't just a problem to solve—it's a messenger telling you that something important is missing.

Beneath every self-sabotage pattern is an unmet need. Your shadow has been trying to meet that need in the only way it knows how: by pulling you back, shutting things down, or keeping you stuck. But sabotage is a terrible strategy for getting your needs met. It protects you in the short term, but it costs you in the long term.

This step is about identifying what your shadow actually needs—and then finding a healthy, adult way to give it that.

When you meet the need directly, the sabotage loses its purpose. Your shadow doesn't have to fight so hard anymore because it's finally getting what it's been asking for all along.

Why this step is the key to lasting change:

You can understand your shadow. You can thank it. You can update the belief. But if you don't actually address the underlying need, your shadow will keep sabotaging you because the need is still unmet.

Think of it this way: If a child is acting out because they're hungry, you can talk to them about their behavior all you want—but until you feed them, the behavior will continue. The behavior isn't the problem. The hunger is.

Your shadow is the same way. It's not sabotaging you to be difficult. It's sabotaging you because it's trying to get something it desperately needs—and sabotage is the only tool it has.

Your job in this step is to figure out what that need is and then give your shadow a better tool.

The practice: Identify the unmet need

Every shadow belief is covering up a deeper need. Once you know what your shadow is protecting you from (Step 3) and what it believes (Step 5), you can start to identify what it's actually asking for.

Reflection questions:

Sit quietly and ask yourself:

1. What does this part of me actually need? Underneath the fear, underneath the sabotage, what is your shadow longing for? What has it been trying to give you (even if it's doing it badly)? Listen for the answer. It might be a word, a feeling, or a sense of what's missing.

2. How can I give myself that now, as an adult? You're not a child anymore. You don't have to wait for someone else to give you what you need. You have the power to create safety, rest, acceptance, control, or freedom for yourself. What's one concrete way you can meet this need right now?

Common needs beneath self-sabotage (and how to meet them):

Here are the most common needs hiding beneath self-sabotage patterns—and practical ways to address them as an adult:

1. Safety

What it sounds like:

• "If I succeed, something bad will happen."

• "If I get close to someone, I'll get hurt."

• "If I'm visible, I'll be attacked."

What your shadow actually needs:
A sense of security and protection. It needs to know that you won't put yourself in situations where you're vulnerable without any support or plan.

How to meet this need:

• Create structures and support systems: Don't go into new territory alone. Build a safety net first. Hire a therapist, join a support group, find a mentor, or tell a trusted friend what you're doing so someone knows you're taking a risk.

• Go slowly: Give your shadow permission to move at a pace that feels manageable. You don't have to leap—you can take small, safe steps.

• Have an exit plan: Remind your shadow that you can always stop, pause, or change course if something doesn't feel right. You're not trapped.

Concrete commitment examples:

• "I will work with a therapist as I navigate this big change."

• "I will check in with my support group every week."

• "I will give myself permission to pause or step back if I feel overwhelmed."

2. Rest

What it sounds like:

• "If I succeed, I'll have to keep performing at this level forever."

• "If I finish this, people will expect more and more from me."

• "Success means no time to breathe."

What your shadow actually needs:
Permission to rest, to be imperfect, to take breaks without guilt. It needs to know that productivity isn't the price of your worth.

How to meet this need:

• Build in downtime: Schedule rest as seriously as you schedule work. Make it non-negotiable.

• Celebrate small wins: Acknowledge progress along the way instead of only celebrating the final result. This takes pressure off having to achieve something huge before you're "allowed" to feel good.

• Lower the bar: Give yourself permission to do things imperfectly, slowly, or "good enough."

Concrete commitment examples:

• "I will rest every Sunday, no matter how much I accomplish during the week."

• "I will celebrate each small step instead of waiting until I reach the finish line."

• "I will give myself permission to do 'B-level' work instead of always striving for perfection."

3. Acceptance

What it sounds like:

• "If people see the real me, they'll reject me."

• "If I fail, everyone will think I'm worthless."

• "I have to hide my flaws or I won't be loved."

What your shadow actually needs:
To know that you're worthy of love and belonging even when you're imperfect, even when you fail, even when you're messy. It needs to feel accepted for who you are, not just what you achieve.

How to meet this need:

• Practice self-compassion: Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to a close friend. Notice when your inner critic is loud and actively soften it.

• Find non-judgmental community: Surround yourself with people who accept you as you are. Avoid people who only love you when you're performing well.

• Share your imperfections intentionally: Practice being vulnerable in small, safe ways. Let people see the real you and notice that you're still loved.

Concrete commitment examples:

• "I will only share my progress with people who are supportive and non-judgmental."

• "I will practice talking to myself with kindness, especially when I make mistakes."

• "I will join a community where people show up as their real, messy selves."

4. Control

What it sounds like:

• "If I succeed, everything will change and I won't be able to manage it."

• "If I commit to this, I'll lose my freedom and flexibility."

• "If I start, I won't be able to stop or change my mind."

What your shadow actually needs:
A sense of agency and the ability to steer your own life. It needs to know that you're not at the mercy of forces outside your control—that you get to decide how fast you go, when you stop, and what you commit to.

How to meet this need:

• Start with small, manageable goals: Break big goals into tiny steps so you feel in control of the process. Small steps = more control.

• Give yourself choices: Remind your shadow that you always have options. You can adjust, pivot, or quit if something stops working for you.

• Set boundaries: Practice saying no to things that feel like too much. This proves to your shadow that you're in charge.

Concrete commitment examples:

• "I will break my big goal into weekly mini-goals so I can adjust as I go."

• "I will remind myself that I can change my mind or slow down at any time."

• "I will practice saying no to one thing this week to prove to myself that I'm in control of my choices."

5. Freedom

What it sounds like:

• "If I commit to this, I'll be locked in forever."

• "If I succeed, I'll have to keep doing this even if I don't want to anymore."

• "If I follow through, I'll lose my spontaneity and flexibility."

What your shadow actually needs:
Permission to be flexible, to change, to evolve. It needs to know that committing to something doesn't mean you're trapped—that you can always course-correct.

How to meet this need:

• Give yourself permission to change your mind or pace: Remind your shadow that goals aren't prisons. You can adjust them as you grow.

• Build in flexibility: Create a plan that allows for change. Don't make everything rigid and all-or-nothing.

• Reframe commitment: Commitment doesn't mean "forever no matter what." It means "I'm showing up for this right now, and I can reassess as I go."

Concrete commitment examples:

• "I will give myself permission to change my approach if it stops working for me."

• "I will build flexibility into my plan so I don't feel trapped."

• "I will remind myself that trying something doesn't mean I'm locked into it forever."

How to make the commitment real:

Once you've identified the need, you have to actually commit to meeting it—not just think about it. Your shadow needs to see proof that you're serious about taking care of it.

Here's how to do it:

1. Get specific: Vague intentions don't work. Instead of "I'll try to rest more," say "I will rest every Sunday from 10am-2pm with no work or obligations."

2. Start small: Don't overhaul your entire life at once. Pick one concrete action you can take this week to meet the need.

3. Make it non-negotiable: Treat this commitment like you would a doctor's appointment. It's not optional—it's essential.

4. Check in with your shadow: After you've started meeting the need, ask your shadow how it's feeling. Is it starting to trust you? Does it feel less urgent to sabotage?

Example:

Let's say your shadow needs safety because it's afraid that if you succeed, you'll be overwhelmed and alone.

Your concrete commitment:
"I will meet with my therapist every other week as I work on this goal. I will also tell two trusted friends what I'm working on so I'm not carrying this alone. And I will check in with myself every Friday to ask: 'Do I still feel safe? Do I need to slow down?'"

Now your shadow has evidence that you're not just charging ahead recklessly. You're building a safety net. You're taking care of the need directly.

Your turn:

Answer these questions:

1. What does my shadow actually need? (Safety, rest, acceptance, control, freedom, or something else?)

2. How can I give myself that now, as an adult? (Be specific and concrete.)

3. What's one action I can take this week to start meeting this need?

Write down your commitment. Put it somewhere you'll see it. And then follow through.

This is how you prove to your shadow that you're listening—not just with words, but with action.

And when your shadow finally feels cared for, it stops needing to sabotage you. Because the need is being met in a healthy way.

Step 7: Create a New Pattern Through Small Steps

You've done the deep work. You've listened to your shadow, thanked it, updated the belief, and committed to meeting its needs. Now comes the part where you actually do something different.

Shadow work isn't just about understanding yourself—it's about changing your behavior. And the way you change behavior that's been running on autopilot for years is through small, intentional, repeated actions that prove to your shadow that a new way is possible.

This step is about creating a new pattern—one that honors both your goals and your shadow's needs. You're not forcing yourself to "just push through" the fear. You're designing a path forward that feels safe enough for your shadow to say yes to.

Why this step is necessary:

Understanding is powerful, but it's not enough on its own. Your shadow has been running the same protective pattern for years, maybe decades. That pattern is deeply wired into your nervous system. It's automatic. It happens before you even think about it.

You can't just think your way out of it. You have to practice your way out of it.

This step is about rewiring the pattern through repetition. You're teaching your brain—and your shadow—that there's a new way to respond when you approach your goal. A way that doesn't require sabotage.

The key principle: Small steps that feel safe

Here's the mistake most people make when they try to change: they go too big, too fast. They try to force themselves to do the thing that terrifies them without addressing the underlying fear. And when their shadow panics and pulls them back, they think, "See? I can't do this. I'm broken."

But you're not broken. You just moved too fast.

Your shadow needs proof that growth doesn't have to mean danger. And the only way to give it that proof is to take steps that are small enough to feel safe but big enough to create change.

Think of it like training a scared animal. You don't force it to trust you all at once. You move slowly. You let it sniff your hand. You sit nearby without threatening it. Over time, it learns: Oh. This person is safe. I don't have to run.

That's what you're doing with your shadow.

The practice: Design your first small step

Your job is to choose one action—just one—that moves you toward your goal while also addressing your shadow's fear. This action should feel challenging but doable. Not easy, but not terrifying.

You're looking for the edge of your comfort zone, not the middle of a panic attack.

How to design your small step:

Ask yourself these three questions:

1. Does this action move me toward my goal?
   It doesn't have to be a huge leap. Even a tiny step counts. The point is that it's in the direction of what you actually want.

2. Does this action address my shadow's fear?
   You're not ignoring the fear—you're building it into the plan. If your shadow is afraid of visibility, you don't immediately post your work online. If your shadow is afraid of failure, you don't set an impossible goal. You design the step in a way that keeps your shadow feeling safe enough to participate.

3. Does this feel doable and safe?
   If the thought of doing this action makes you want to shut down or run away, it's too big. Scale it down. The goal is to stretch yourself slightly, not to retraumatize yourself.

Let's look at how this works in practice for different shadow fears:

Example 1: Your shadow fears visibility and judgment

Your goal: Share your creative work online

Your shadow's fear: "If people see my work, they'll judge me and think I'm terrible."

Your small step:
Instead of posting publicly right away, share your work with one trusted friend who you know will be supportive. Ask for their honest feedback. See what it feels like to be seen by someone safe.

Why this works:
You're practicing visibility in a controlled, safe environment. Your shadow gets to see that being seen doesn't automatically lead to rejection. Over time, you can expand the circle—maybe share with two friends, then a small group, then eventually post publicly. But you're not forcing yourself to jump into the deep end before your shadow trusts that the water is safe.

Next small steps:

• Share with two or three supportive friends

• Post in a private group or community

• Share publicly with comments turned off

• Share publicly and allow feedback

Example 2: Your shadow fears failure and humiliation

Your goal: Start a new business or creative project

Your shadow's fear: "If I try and fail, everyone will see that I'm not good enough."

Your small step:
Set a goal so small that success is almost guaranteed. Instead of "launch a full business," try "create one product and sell it to one person." Or "post one piece of content and don't worry about how many people see it."

Why this works:
You're proving to your shadow that you can try something new and survive—even succeed. When you accomplish the tiny goal, your shadow starts to think, "Oh. Maybe failure isn't inevitable. Maybe I can do this." Then you set another small goal. And another. You're building evidence that you're capable.

Next small steps:

• Create a second product or piece of content

• Share your work with a small audience

• Set a slightly bigger goal and achieve it

• Gradually increase the stakes as confidence builds

Example 3: Your shadow fears abandonment and loss of connection

Your goal: Pursue a personal goal that requires time and focus (career change, health journey, creative project)

Your shadow's fear: "If I focus on myself and change, the people I love will leave me."

Your small step:
Pursue your goal while regularly checking in with the people you care about. Schedule weekly calls with your partner or best friend. Tell them what you're working on and ask them to support you. Make connection part of the process, not something you sacrifice for the goal.

Why this works:
You're proving to your shadow that growth and connection can coexist. You're not choosing between yourself and your relationships—you're bringing your people along with you. Your shadow sees that you're not abandoning anyone, and no one is abandoning you.

Next small steps:

• Continue regular check-ins as you progress

• Share milestones and celebrate with loved ones

• Ask for support when you need it

• Notice that people who truly care about you want you to grow

Example 4: Your shadow fears success and the pressure that comes with it

Your goal: Take on a bigger role at work or launch something publicly

Your shadow's fear: "If I succeed, people will expect me to be perfect all the time. I'll never be able to rest."

Your small step:
Succeed at something small, and then practice resting. Take on one new responsibility and then take a full day off. Post one piece of work and then give yourself permission to not post again for a week. Prove to your shadow that success doesn't mean endless pressure.

Why this works:
You're breaking the link between success and burnout. Your shadow learns that you can achieve things and take care of yourself. Success doesn't have to mean sacrificing rest or boundaries. It can coexist with self-care.

Next small steps:

• Take on slightly more responsibility while maintaining rest

• Celebrate achievements without immediately moving to the next thing

• Practice saying "no" to opportunities that feel like too much

• Build a sustainable rhythm of effort and recovery

How to practice your new pattern:

Once you've identified your small step, here's how to actually do it:

1. Commit to the action
   Decide when and how you'll do it. Be specific. "I will share my work with Sarah on Friday afternoon" is better than "I'll share my work with someone soon."

2. Notice what happens before you do it
   Pay attention to what comes up as you approach the action. Does your shadow start to panic? Does the old sabotage pattern try to kick in? Notice it without judgment. This is valuable information.

3. Talk to your shadow if it gets scared
   If resistance comes up, pause and have a quick conversation with your shadow: "I know you're scared. But remember—we're going slow. We're not doing anything dangerous. This is safe."

4. Follow through
   Do the small step. Even if it feels uncomfortable. Even if your shadow is protesting. You're proving to yourself that you can do hard things without breaking.

5. Celebrate and reflect afterward
   After you've done it, take a moment to acknowledge what you just did. Ask yourself:

• How do I feel now that I've done it?

• What did my shadow learn from this experience?

• What's the next small step I can take?

6. Repeat
   This is where the pattern changes. One small step won't rewire years of conditioning. But consistent small steps will. Each time you prove to your shadow that growth is safe, it trusts you a little more. Over time, the sabotage becomes less automatic.

What success looks like:

You'll know the new pattern is taking hold when:

• You approach your goal and the urge to sabotage is less intense

• You catch yourself starting to sabotage and you can pause and choose differently

• You notice that your shadow's voice is quieter or less panicked

• You can do things that used to terrify you without as much resistance

• You have moments where growth actually feels good instead of just scary

This doesn't mean the fear disappears completely. It means the fear doesn't control you anymore.

A final reminder: Go at your own pace

There's no timeline for this. Some people take small steps every day. Some people need weeks or months between steps. Some shadows need a lot of proof before they start to trust. Some relax more quickly.

Your only job is to keep showing up for yourself. Keep taking the next small step. Keep proving to your shadow that it's safe to grow.

Shadow work isn't a one-time event. It's an ongoing relationship. And like any relationship, it deepens over time through consistent, loving attention.

Your turn:

Design your first small step right now.

1. What's one small action I can take this week that moves me toward my goal?

2. How does this action address my shadow's fear?

3. Does this feel doable and safe?

Write it down. Schedule it. And then do it.

This is how you change. Not through force. Not through willpower. But through small, intentional actions that prove to your shadow—again and again—that a new way is possible.

Journaling Prompts for Ongoing Shadow Work

Shadow work deepens with regular practice. Use these prompts whenever you notice self-sabotage arising:

1. "What am I afraid will happen if I succeed at this?"

2. "What would I have to give up or lose if I achieved this goal?"

3. "Who would I disappoint if I changed?"

4. "What does this part of me need to feel safe enough to let me succeed?"

5. "What did I learn about [success/money/love/visibility] growing up?"

6. "When was the first time I learned that [this goal] was dangerous?"

7. "If my self-sabotage could speak, what would it say?"

8. "What's the worst thing that could happen if I stopped sabotaging myself?"

9. "What part of me doesn't believe I deserve this?"

10. "How can I honor my need for safety while still moving forward?"

A Final Note: Be Patient with Yourself

Shadow work can feel uncomfortable. You're confronting parts of yourself you've spent years avoiding. That's hard.

Some sessions will bring relief and clarity. Others will bring up grief, anger, or resistance. All of it is part of the process.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, that's a sign to slow down and seek support. Shadow work is powerful, and it's okay to work with a therapist, coach, or trusted guide as you navigate these deeper layers.

But know this: Every moment you spend with your shadow is a moment you're choosing wholeness over fragmentation. You're choosing to understand yourself rather than judge yourself. And that choice—repeated over time—is what finally breaks the cycle of self-sabotage.

Your shadow isn't your enemy. It's the part of you that's been waiting, patiently, to finally be seen and heard.

And now, you're ready to listen.